I have stong violence hiden inside of me.

I was expecting a happy day today, but it didn't came out good at all.
my plan was have fun with my ex-classmate's house, play games and watch movies.
I left my hard drive at work the night before, so I have to go back to get it back. While doing so, I brought some news paper since they just ran out.
I went to get breakfast and used NETS to pay. Over spend again D: from $18+ now $4.59 :\
So went to my friend's house a little late and played a few games then we watched The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3. Half way though it, my brother called.

He told me that my youngest brother stole something from 7/11. That's when I have to step in AGAIN!! >.> I don't wish to, but.. I had to. And it killed my day. I end up having to go home right away. My father told my brother to punish him and he ran out and told me that I have to punish him -.- and the only way I knew was what my dad did to me.. And what he did was horrible >.> it made Eva hate my dad. I promised myself I won't beat him up, as it makes me feel like I would beat up my kids when I becomes a father. :\ I planned on lecturing him.. but :\ I end up torturing him... I didn't want to T.T and now I just fucking hate myself for doing so. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE NO MORE!!!!!!! T.T I can't believe I'm that cruel.. Is it right for me to blame my dad for this? :\ You want to know what I did? I'll tell you. But don't remind me about these in the future. What I did was.. >.< I poured ice cold water on him then poured hot water on him :\ and I did it over and over again T.T.. and I after that... I made him kneel on the broomstick... for ten minutes >.>
Why do I have all these violent cruel thoughts?!! T.T I'm so lost...
Tell me honestly.. does this makes me a sick and fucked up person? T.T Do you think of me differently now? :\